Why I hate elevators

At work I prefer to climb ten flights of stairs rather than use the elevator. I arrive at my desk out of breath and my colleagues must be thinking: “he really hates elevators”. They would be right.

The perks of not using an elevator:

  1. No more awkward silences. Even people who know each other seem to feel awkward and run out of things to say the moment they’re in an elevator.
  2. No more having to tactically avert your eyes (staring at the numbers lighting up or some unseen corner of the elevator) to avoid eye contact with strangers.
  3. You’re not in a small metal container that could plummet you to your death.
  4. You’re not in a small metal container that might get stuck and cause you to spend hours and hours between floors with nothing to do.
  5. You’re not in a small metal container with people you don’t want to be stuck with for hours and hours with nothing to do.
  6. You’re not in a small metal container packed liked sardines, feeling claustrophic, trying desperately not to touch anyone with any part of your body, thinking, “please don’t let it get stuck today. Please don’t let it get stuck today.”
  7. You don’t have to wait for elevator to get to your floor and stand there looking insipid while you not talk to the strangers you won’t talk to once you’re in the elevator. You can just get on with it.
  8. You get some exercise for a change and you might live longer for it.

Admittedly, if I had to climb 20 flights of stairs, I might decide to brave the metal container. But I would not be happy about it.

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